


Prep Time = Foreplay

by seriousfic



Series: Man of Steel: Black of Knight [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Superman (Comics), Superman - All Media Types, Superman/Batman (Comics)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:58:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seriousfic/pseuds/seriousfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes to sex, Batman is never unprepared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prep Time = Foreplay

Superman hovered, so nervous he was not quite sure whether to fly away or firmly set his feet down on Bruce Wayne’s very nice Persian carpeting. This made him easy to maneuver, as Batman tugged him like a balloon on the string through the penthouse, almost like a furniture mover at work. Finally, Superman was shoved over the bed, floating over it. Batman gritted his teeth impatiently and tugged on Clark’s cape, trying to literally bring him down to earth.  
  
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Clark asked innocently.  
  
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Batman began disrobing with curt efficiency, stacking all his armor in discrete piles for ease and speed of dressing later. “We have ten minutes. After that, Bruce Wayne is expected to make an international phone call to the Tokyo office, then I have a case involving anthropomorphic cockroaches robbing convenience stores.”  
  
Superman sat up, if it could be called that while floating. “Anthropomorphic cockroaches?”  
  
Batman nodded. “It’s a very tough case. You’re still wearing clothes.”  
  
“Sorry,” Clark said, and took off his cape.  
  
Batman grunted and swept it off the bed where it had landed. He opened a compartment on his utility belt, which was slung over his naked shoulder, and took out a small vial, like a can of mace. He set it down on the bedstand.  
  
“What’s that?” Clark asked, undoing his belt.  
  
“Lubricant.”  
  
Clark raised an eyebrow.  
  
Bruce raised an eyebrow, far more suggestively. “It has any number of applications. Slipping out of loose manacles, greasing the Batmobile’s parts…”  
  
“Uh-huh.” Clark tugged off his boots. “What else?”  
  
Batman took a condom from another compartment.  
  
“Great Rao, Bruce!”  
  
“There are times when fellow members of my teams engage in sexual intercourse. Contracting a sexually-transmitted disease or being involved with an unplanned pregnancy would compromise their efficiency.”  
  
“So you bring enough for the rest of the class?”  
  
Bruce almost sniffed disdainfully. “I don’t partake.”  
  
“Except when you have ten minutes before you have to call Tokyo.”  
  
“Nine minutes. Hurry it up.”  
  
Superman peeled off his tunic, folding it neatly before he set it aside, with the yellow shield facing up with due reverence.  
  
“ _Clark!_ ” Batman groused.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing,” Batman growled, and began pulling a condom on. Superman found it very hard to look away from. “What?”  
  
“Nothing.” Superman peeled off his red stockings and set those aside as well. Batman fixated on them with laser intensity. “What? Ma insists. It’s cold in the vacuum of space. Besides, they’re comfy…” He glanced at the condom again, the way Batman was lazily jacking himself erect as he secured it. “Is that really necessary?”  
  
“I don’t know. Do you have a list of all your sexual partners within the last year, as well as a detailed medical report testing you for both terrestrial and extraterrestrial STDs?”  
  
“What do you think I am, Bruce? Some kind of alien slut-boy tease?”  
  
“You’re only a tease if you don’t follow through. You’re not going to be a tease any longer. This will go easier if you don’t have the pants.”  
  
Superman hesitated with his belt undone. “Bruce?”  
  
“ _Yes?_ ” Batman groaned impatiently. He drew the covers back to give his hands something to do, with a very implicit order in the action.  
  
“What if I’m not gay? I mean, Lana and I were pretty close… and it’s so hard for me to stop thinking of Lois, even now.”  
  
“I have just the thing.”  
  
Batman opened up the third compartment on his utility belt, took out a small pink chunk of rock, and set it down on the bedstand. It glowed.  
  
“Boy Scout motto: Always be prepared. Surely you can appreciate that, Kal-El.”


End file.
